Jokes

This page should eventually be split into: Jokes to convey ideas, Humor,  Satire, and Cartoons. 

Punctuation Jokes

The Dean's Memo to the Chairman about His Faculty

Which question does the Dean want answered, the Chairman wonders.

“Send me a list of all the tenured faculty in your department, broken down by sex.”

“Send me a list of all the tenured faculty in your department broken down by sex.”

Prof in week 1: I’m giving up drinking till Finals Week.

Prof in week 12: I’m giving up, drinking till Finals Week.

Let's Eat, Grandma

Let’s eat Grandma.

Let’s eat, Grandma.

Punctuation saves lives.

English is actually a tonal language

“What’s that in the road ahead?”

“What’s that in the road, a head?

Math Jokes

Big text

Why is 69 so scared of 70?

Because the last time they fought, 71.

Why was 6 so scared of 7?

Because 7 8 9.

Why is 69 so scared of 70?

Why is 69 so scared of 70? Because the last time they fought, 71.

The German square root of 81

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said no.

Theorem: 60 is an even number.

Proof:
It is easily shown that 60 = 120/2. Moreover, 120 = 5*4*3*2*1 = 5!. Thus, 60 = 5!/2. Note that 5!/2 is the order of the group A5. It is known that A5 is a non-abelian simple group, so A5 is not solvable. The Feit-Thompson Theorem, however, says that every finite group of odd order is solvable, so 5!/2 must be even.

(See http://legauss.blogspot.com.es/2012/05/para-rir-ou-para-chorar-parte-13.html)

Theorem: 10 + 10 = 11 + 11.

Proof:

10+10 = twenty

11+11 = twenty too

(Alex Kontorovich)

Base Eight Holidays

Q. Why do mathematicians confuse Halloween and Christmas?

A. Because 31 Oct = 25 Dec.

Dear Algebra Teachers

Dear algebra teacher,

Please stop trying to make us find your x.  

She's not coming back.

We don't know y either.

Sincerely,
             Your Students.

---

Theorem: All Numbers Are Interesting

Proof: Suppose not. Then there must be a smallest uninteresting number. But being the smallest uninteresting number is an interesting property. Thus, there can be no smallest uninteresting number. (Note: this proof applies only if by "number" we mean integers. Otherwise, if, say, 9 is the largest interesting number, there is no smallest number greater than 9.)

The Pythagorean Theorem Joke

First explain the Pythagorean Theorem: The square of the hypotenuse, the long side of a right triangle, is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides, e.g., if other two sides are 3 and 4, so their squares sum to 9+16= 25, the square of the hypotenuse is 25 and the hypotenuse has length 5. Then tell the joke.

Once there was an Indian chief named Big Hunter, who had a younger brother named Little Hunter and three squaws. The first squaw slept on a bearskin, the second squaw slept on a buffalo hide, and the third Squaw, who was named Hippolita, slept on a hippopotamus hide. (Big Hunter got his name because he was the only Indian who ever killed hippopotamus, or even saw one for that matter.)

Alas, all of the squaws were barren and had no children. The first two squaws schemed to become the favorites, though, and jointly adopted a little baby boy. They boasted about that and shamed Hippolita for being inferior to them and their boy.

One day, the whole family, including the brother, were in a canoe crossing the lake, when the buffalo-hide squaw stood up, which you should never do in a canoe. The bear-hide squaw stood up too, to match her bravery, but the boat started to tip over. "Save the baby, Little Hunter!" shouted Big Hunter, as he swam to save Hippolita. So the baby and Hippolita were saved, though not the other two squaws.

The moral of the story: "The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the son of the squaws of the other two hides."

Using Logs

Sam couldn't get his pet poisonous snakes to have babies. His friend Joe said, "I have a solution". Joe cut down a tree, sawed it into sections, and put two sections next to the cage. It worked. The snakes gave birth and soon Sam had more than he could handle. The moral of the story: Adders need logs to multiply.

How many seconds are there in a year?

Q: “How many seconds are there in a year?” A: “Twelve… January second, February second, March second, …”

Can a triangle fly?

Riddle: Can a triangle fly? Yes, it's past the line and on a plane.

Your Shoes Are Dirty

.
Woman to hillbilly as he comes into the store: "Hey, wipe the mud off your shoes when you come in here."
Hillbilly: "What shoes? I ain't got no shoes."
(mnemonic for remembering that anybody but a hillbilly knows that two negatives make a positive)
The version omitting "I ain't got no shoes" is better, but doesn't make that point.

All Odd Numbers Are Prime (The Polya Conjecture)

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, a psychologist, a sociologist, a law professor, and a grievance studies professor walk into a bar, and someone offers to buy a drink for whoever has the best proof that all numbers are prime.

The engineer says, "1’s a prime, 3’s a prime, 5’s a prime, 7’s a prime, so all odd numbers are prime."

The physicist says: ‘1’s a prime, 3’s a prime, 5’s a prime, 7’s a prime, 9’s not a prime --hmmm, but let's go on---11's a prime, 13's a prime.. It must be that 9 was measurement error.

The mathematician says: "1’s a prime, 3’s a prime, 5’s a prime, 7’s a prime. Therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime."

The psychologist says: "I told my R.A. the result we wanted, and having rechecked his work, he now reports that 1’s a prime, 3’s a prime, 5’s a prime, 7’s a prime, 9's a prime, 11's a prime, 13's a prime, 15's a prime, and so is every other odd number."

The sociologist says: "1’s a prime, 3’s a prime, 5’s a prime, 7’s a prime, 9's a prime,..."

The law professor says,"First of all, my billing rate is $400/hour, and it runs for every 15-minute increment..."

The grievance studies professor says: "What's a prime number?"

.
THE END

.
Notes:
1. A prime number is a number greater than 1 that is evenly divisible only by itself and 1.
2. Engineers are known for being satisfied with equations and other mathematical conclusions that are only approximately true, not exactly true. Physicists are known for thinking a lot about how precisely their instruments measure things. Mathematicians are known for being very proud of how exact and rigorous they are, but for making mistakes sometimes anyway. Psychologists are known for publishing fraudulent results and for pressuring subordinates to make up data. Sociologists are known for lack of mathematical ability. Lawyers are known for their high fees. Grievance studies professors ar known for being even worse at math than sociologists. All of these are stereotypes; whether the stereotypes have any truth in them, you must judge. Someone is free to add my own field, "economics" to the joke. Accounting may have possibilities too.
3. The 1919 Polya Conjecture, made by the author of the famous 1945 book, How To Solve It, was that over half of the numbers less than any number N have an odd number of prime factors. For example there are eight numbers less than N = 9. Of those eight numbers, the number 1 has an even number of prime factors--- 0 of them. The number 2 has an odd number (1 of them), as do 3 (1 of them), 5 (1 of them), 7 (1 of them), and 8 (3 of them--- 2, 2, and 2, the 2's being counted three times for this conjecture). The number 4 has an even number (2 of them--- 2 and 2), as does 6 (2 of them--- 2 and 3). So over 50% of numbers less than 9--- five out of eight--- have an odd number of prime factors. Professor Connell wrote Mathematica code to check N = 10,000,000 and found that 5,000,421 of the numbers less than that have an odd number of prime factors, which is still more than half. But the Polya Conjecture is false. C. Brian Haselgrove disproved it in 1958. R. Sherman Lehman found the first explicit counterexample in 1960: N = 906,180,359. The smallest counterexample is N = 906,150,257, found by Minoru Tanaka in 1980.
See also this approximation of pi that is exact for some 40 million digits but then fails.
4. See here for a script for performance of this joke by junior high kids.

The Black Sheep in Scotland

A philosopher, a physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist were travelling on a train through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train. "Aha," says the philosopher, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." "Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean *some* Scottish sheep are black." "No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is *at least one* sheep in Scotland, and that *at least one side* of that sheep is black!"

The Glass Is Half Empty

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Engineer: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 Jens Foell, https://twitter.com/fMRI_guy/status/1449785982543409159 (2021)

Transubstantiation

Question: What do you call it when the NCAAA has to decide whether a certain athlete is a man or a woman?
Answer: Trans-Substantiation.
Even better answer: Con-Substantiation.
hat tip: Pastor TB

Daddy Will You Buy Me a Drum?

A little boy begged his dad to buy him a drum for Christmas. His dad said it would be too loud-- he wouldn’t be able to get any work done. The boy said, “That’s okay, Dad. I promise. I’ll never play it except while you’re upstairs taking your nap.”

Packed Sports Stadiums and Covid

Q. Why haven't packed sports stadiums caused massive covid outbreaks?

A. Because of all the fans.

On Being Elected Senator

Day one:"Here I am at last. How is it that God has allowed me to even sit in the same room with these statesmen?"
Day ninety: "What are these other 99 idiots doing here?"

Politics

By Force or Violence?

"There's an interesting book by Annie Dillard, An American Childhood. She grew up in Pittsburgh in the 40s and 50s, so lived through the McCarthy Era. Her mother was irrepressible and always looking for some gag material. Once she had taken a phone call in the process of which she had been asked "Do you advocate the overthrow of the government by force or violence?" She thought for a moment and answered "force." "

The Politics of the Value-Added Tax (attributed to Larry Summers)

The reason the United States, unlike European countries and Canada, doesn't have a value-added tax is that the Democrats think it's regressive and the Republicans think it makes raising tax revenue easy.
When *will* the United States get a value-added tax? Once the Republicans realize it's regressive and the Democrats realize it makes raising tax revenue easy.

Stigler on Diversity

Something Stigler said about Chicago Economics in 1964.

Somebody:"You Chicago guys are so ideological! For instance, how many of your faculty voted for Goldwater?"
Syigler: "About half.
"See!!!!"
"How about the number in your department?"
"Zero, of course."

College Graduates without Practical Skills

Boss Father: Son, after you finish writing that compliance memo, will you sweep up the stock room?

Newly Hired Son: But Dad, I’m a college graduate.

Boss Father: Of course; I forgot. Bring me the broom, and I’ll show you how.

The Hand of God Knocking Him off the Chair

A college professor stood up on his chair and said, "If God really exists, then knock me off this chair". Nothing happened and he said, "See, I'll give it a couple more minutes". A marine vet stood up, punched the professor and knocked him off the chair, and then sat back down. The professor said, "What did you do that for?" The vet said, "God was busy protecting my buddies still fighting for your right to say and do stupid stuff like this, so HE SENT ME!

Elephants Hiding in Trees

"Elephants are really great in camouflage. They hide in the tops of trees!"

"That's ridiculous. I have NEVER seen an elephant in a tree!"

"EXACTLY! See how well they hide?"

Why Are Corporations Like Vampires?

Corporations and vampires have much in common: (i) immortality; (ii) personhood; and (iii) issues with stakeholders. Is there a way to do something with veil-piercing? Certainly you have to design their bonds very carefully to restrain them from evil.

---

Music Jokes

The Basso Profundo

Though the basso profundo is the most based bass, it's baseless that he's the basest, even though he's the bassest.

Now It's Out of Tune

The first chair of the viola section was sobbing. Her cellist friend came over to comfort her.

"Whatever happened?"

"That mean concertmaster came over when I'd laid down my viola, and he told me he made it go out of tune by turning one of the pegs "

"Which one?"

"That's what's so mean. He wouldn't tell me!"

Can you play the violin?

Q. Can you play the violin?

A. I don't know. I've never tried.

Transubstantiation

Question: What do you call it when the NCAAA has to decide whether a certain athlete is a man or a woman?
Answer: Trans-Substantiation.
Even better answer: Con-Substantiation.
hat tip: Pastor TB

---

Should I give him a book?

Joe: What should I get Tom for his birthday?

Moe: How about a book?

Joe: No, he's already got a book.

---

People with Negative Heights

Via Dick Thaler at https://twitter.com/R_Thaler/status/1436472735723573249
Q: If height is normally distributed, why aren't there people with negative heights?
A: There are. We just can't see them.

For the Work of a Lifetime

John Ruskin: 'The labour of two days is that for which you ask two hundred guineas?'

Whistler: 'No. I ask it for the knowledge I have gained in the work of a lifetime.' Whistler v. Ruskin (1878)

Embalm, Cremate, and Bury at Sea

A man got a telegram. His mother-in-law had died on a cruise ship asking about the remains: should they be embalmed, cremated, or buried at sea. His reply: "Embalm, cremate, *and* bury at sea. Take no chances."

It seems Winston Churchill may have told this joke at question time, but I have not been able to find a reliable source. It certainly is older; apparently one Colonel Crabtree told it in a 1920 election campaign in Tennessee.

Two and Two Continue To Make Four

"Two and two continue to make four, in spite of the whine of the amateur for three, or the cry of the critic for five." --Whistler v. Ruskin (1878)

Freedom of Speech in Russian Social Media

A Russian meets up with an American.

"We have freedom of speech," the Russian says. "I can post that Russian elections are rigged on social media."

"What's the big deal?" asks the American. "I too can write that Russian elections are rigged on social media."

Explosion in a Cheese Factory

Did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory? There was nothing left but debris.

I haven't laughed so hard since the suggestion that Joe and Kamala run off to Las Vegas and get inaugurated without telling anybody.

https://quillette.com/2021/01/07/the-death-of-political-cartooning-and-why-it-matters/

Those who study the moon are real optimists, they tend to look at the bright side.

Eggs Benedict on a Hubcap

Why should you eat eggs benedict on a hubcap for Christmas dinner?
--because there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

The Glass Is Half Empty (Engineer)

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Optimist: The glass is half full.

Engineer: The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

-Jens Foell, https://twitter.com/fMRI_guy/status/
(2021)

Husbands

If your husband is standing alone in the forest and says something, is he still wrong?

The Joke Convention

(Here write my better version, the Joke Convention, with the jolly guy rolling on the floor who hadn't heard it before.)

George Stigler's version in "The Conference Handbook" Journal of Political Economv, 1977, vol. 85, no. 2, is

There is an ancient joke about the two traveling salesmen in the age of the train. The younger drummer was being initiated into the social life of the traveler by the older. They proceeded to the smoking parlor on the train, where a group of drummers were congregated. One said, "87," and a wave of laughter went through the group. The older drummer explained to the younger that they traveled together so often that they had numbered their jokes. The younger drummer wished to participate in the event and diffidently ventured to say, "36." He was greeted by cool silence. The older drummer took him aside and explained that they had already heard that joke. (In another version, the younger drummer was told that he had told the joke badly.)

Stigler published an economists' version. I've improved it here, in the spirit of joketelling: 

Introductory Remarks <br>
A.  Here is what the author was trying to say. <br>
B. The paper admirably solves the problem which it sets for itself. 
Unfortunately, this was the wrong problem. <br>
C. What a pity that the vast erudition and industry of the author were so 
misdirected <br>

D. I am an amateur in this field so my remarks must be diffident and
tentative. However, even a novice must find much to quarrel with in
this piece.
E. I can be very sympathetic with the author; until 2 years ago I was
thinking along similar lines.
F. It is good to have a nonspecialist looking at our problem. There is
always a chance of a fresh viewpoint, although usually, as in this
case, the advantages of the division of labor are reaffirmed.
G. This paper contains much that is new and much that is good.
H. Although the paper was promised 3 weeks ago, I received it as I
entered this room.
Comments
1. Adam Smith said that.
2. Unfortunately, there is an identification problem which is not dealt
with adequately in the paper.
3. The residuals are clearly nonnormal and the specification of the
model is incorrect.
4. Theorizing is not fruitful at this stage: we need a series of case
studies.
5. Case studies are a clue, but no real progress can be made until a
model of the process is constructed.
6. The second-best consideration would of course vitiate the argument.
7. That is an index number problem (obs., except in Cambridge).
8. Have you tried two-stage least squares?
9. The conclusions change if you introduce uncertainty.
10. You didn't use probit analysis?
11. I proved the main results in a paper published years ago.
12. The analysis is marred by a failure to distinguish transitory and
permanent components.
13. The market cannot, of course, deal satisfactorily with that externality.
14. But what if transaction costs are not zero?
15. That follows from the Coase theorem.
16. Of course, if you allow for the investment in human capital, the
entire picture changes.
17. Of course the demand function is quite inelastic.
18. Of course the supply function is highly inelastic.
19. The author uses a sledgehammer to crack a peanut.
20. What empirical finding would contradict your theory?
21. The central argument is not only a tautology, it is false.
22. What happens when you extend the analysis to the later (or earlier)
period? 
23. The motivation of the agents in this theory is so narrowly egotistic
that it cannot possibly explain the behavior of real people.
24. The flabby economic actor in this impressionistic model should be
replaced by the utility-maximizing individual.
25. Did you have any trouble in inverting the singular matrix?
2 6. It was unfortunate that the wrong choice was made between M1 and
M2.
27. That is alright in theory, but it doesn't work out in practice (use
sparingly).
28. The speaker apparently believes that there is still one free lunch.
29. The problem cannot be dealt with by partial equilibrium methods:
it requires a general equilibrium formulation.
30. The paper is rigidly confined by the paradigm of neoclassical
economics, so large parts of urgent reality are outside its comprehension.
31. The conclusion rests on the assumption of fixed tastes, but of course
tastes have surely changed.
32. The trouble with the present situation is that the property rights
have not been fully assigned. 

---

https://statmodeling.stat.columbia.edu/2021/01/07/xkcd-curve-fitting-methods-and-the-messages-they-send/

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The Old Lady Looking from the Attic

A bunch of boys were swimming in the river without swimming suits. An old lady who lived on the river called up the Sheriff to complain. He went down and told the boys to move down the river, out of sight.
Then, the sheriff got another phone call. The old lady said she could still see the boys, if she was upstairs in her bedroom. so the Sheriff went down and told the boys to move a little further down.
Then the sheriff got another phone call. The old lady said she could still see the boys, if she went up to her attic window and looked out with binoculars.
This time the sheriff said he was busy.

Science Jokes

The Mice and the Behaviorist

Two mice are in B.F. Skinner's laboratory. One mouse says to the other, "See that guy?" and gestures toward the research assistant. "He was trained by me. Every time I push this button, he gives me something to eat."

Lost an Electron

Two atoms walk into a bar.

“Hey, I think I lost an electron.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m positive.”

“Well so have I and I find you repulsive.”

Curing the Common Cold

Patient: Doctor, what should I do to get over my cold?
Doctor: I'm afraid we have no cure for the common cold.
Patient: Surely you can think of something!
Doctor: Well, yes: take a shower and then go naked into your yard in the 20-degree weather for half an hour.
Patient: But then I'll get pneumonia!
Doctor: Right. And *that*, we can cure.

Ridden Out of Town on a Rail

President Lincoln one evening at the White House was asked "How does it feel to be President of the United States?" "You have heard," said Lincoln, "about the man tarred and feathered and ridden out of town on a rail? A man in the crowd asked him how he liked it, and his reply was, 'If it wasn't for the honor of the thing, I would rather walk.'" I need to find a good source.

Grad Students without Original Thoughts

I'm really depressed. I just went to my Department Chairman and said, "I'm depressed. You know my PhD student, Sam Jones? He just told me my seminar presentation was the worst he'd ever heard". The Chairman's reply: "Don't worry about Jones, he doesn't have an original thought in his head, and I very much fear he'll never come up with a dissertation topic. He just repeats what he hears all the other people in the department saying."

I'm really depressed. I just went to my Department Chairman and said, "I'm depressed. You know my PhD student, Sam Jones? He gave his practice job talk today, and it was the worst I've ever heard". The Chairman's reply: "Yeah, I sympathize. Jone is very good at learning what he's taught, but he's totally unoriginal. He just copies what he sees."