July 5, 1998. September 5, 2001. *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* HUMOR (I used to send out jokes regularly; this is a list of them) *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* >From an un-official class, Argument 101: ------------------------------------------------ I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules: * Drink Liquor. (JD) Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large shots of Jack Daniels, you'll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room. * Make things up. Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level." NOTE: Always make up exact figures. If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house." * Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases. Memorize this list: Let me put it this way In terms of Vis-a-vis Per se As it were Qua So to speak well, any-who You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not." Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool would challenge that statement. * Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks. You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are: You're begging the question. You're being defensive. Don't compare apples and oranges. What are your parameters? This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks: You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873... Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865. You say You're begging the question. OR You say Liberians, like most Asians... Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa. You say You're being defensive. * Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler. This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler." You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons. *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* March 19, 1996. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A1: Take your foot off his head. Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer? A2: No. Good! These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* April 2, 1996 Don't think it will fall to your lot To get what you like; it will not; But if you're heroic, And follow the Stoic, You'll fancy you like what you've got. ( Leslie Johnson ) Just don't expect very much, You never will like life as such, If you're realistic; (and a bit masochistic); Not much will do fine in a clutch. (Stone) One can't expect very much, You'll never like life, as such, Yet to be realistic, (or a bit masochistic) Not much will do fine in a clutch. *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* May 2, 1996 Remember when control you are losing, In daily decisions confusing, That for life existencial, The thing that's essential Is never the choice but the choosing. *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* Tue, 21 May 96 YOU MIGHT BE A NERD... If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife" If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner If you want an 8X CDROM for Christmas If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string If you window shop at Radio Shack If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush If you own "Official Star Trek" anything If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires If you need a checklist to turn on the TV If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for If people groan at the party when you pick out the music If you did the sound system for your senior prom If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep If you know what http:/ stands for If your 4 basic food groups are: 1.Caffeine 2.Fat 3.Sugar 4.Chocolate *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* July 2, 1996 HUMOR FROM THE 1917 SOMONAUK, ILLINOIS HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK There was a young woman from Perth Who was born on the day of her birth. She was married, they say, On her own wedding day, And died on her last day on Earth. How to take a good photograph of someone. Ask the person for a first-rate picture of themselves, and lay it on the table in front of you. Watch carefully. When all eyes are turned elsewhere, slide the photo off the table and into your pocket. Walk, do not run, from the room. Q. Do you know why they aren't going to deliver any letters to Washington in 1997? A. Because he's dead. *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* July 19, 1996 A mosquito was heard to complain A chemist had poisoned his brain. The cause of his sorrow Was Para-dichloro- Diphenyltrichlorothane. A scientist based in Des Plaines Is searching with infinite pains For a new type of sound Which he hopes, when it's found, Will travel much faster than planes. *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* September 16, 1996 A Democrat and a Republican were in the Bahamas scuba diving. Lying on the beach, the Republican said, "Ah, this is the life!" "Yeah," said the Democrat, "and it wouldn't have happened except for the fire. My house burned down, and I lost everything. But the insurance covered all my losses, plus extra, and I had enough left over to come here while my house is being rebuilt. The only thing I can't get back is my collection of original autographed Whitewater Development Company loan agreements, but at least I got the cash value from the insurance company. '' "What a coincidence!" said the Republican. "I'm here because I lost my house too, in a flood, and everything was covered by the insurance, even though I didn't qualify for the disaster aid because I'm in a Republican district. I'll be here till my house is finished, too. " The Democrat looked puzzled. He kept squirming on the sand for about an hour, deep in thought. Finally giving up, he said to the Republican: "I don't get it. How do you start a flood?" (originator Aaron Klein , whose joke I have adapted) *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* October 1, 1996 WHAT IF PEOPLE BOUGHT CARS LIKE THEY BUY COMPUTERS? General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did... HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!" HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?" HELPLINE: "It's the starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?" --------------------------------------------------------------------- HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you? CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!" HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?" CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?" HELPLINE: "there's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean? HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasolone. You can install yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you." CUSTOMER: "WHAT!?" I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" ---------------------------------------------------- HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you? CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!" HELPLINE: "Why? What's wrong?" CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what's wrong" HELPLINE: "What were you doing?" CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for awhile and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!" HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it? CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!" ------------------------------------------------------ HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks." HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?" HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?" CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!" *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* A sinful young man once said ``Ayer Has answered the atheist's prayer, For a Hell one can't verify Surely can't terrify-- At least, till one finds oneself there.'' *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* November 1996? WINNERS OF THE "WORST ANALOGIES EVER WRITTEN IN A HIGH SCHOOL ESSAY" CONTEST He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington) She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station) The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield) McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring) >From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington) Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield) Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T: flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\ flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills) He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase) The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring) Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington) The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.) They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.) John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield) The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Unknown) Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield) Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. (Unknown) *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* The Technologist's Reply Man's potential Is quite terrific Your can't go back To the Neolithic The cream is there For us to skim it Knowledge is power And the sky's the limit Every mouth Has hands to feed it Food is found When people need it All we need Is found in granite Once we have The men to plan it Yeast and algae Give us meat Soil is almost Obsolete Man can grow To pastures greener Till all the earth Is Pasadena MORAL Man's a nuisance Man's a crackpot But only man Can hit the jackpot. --Kenneth Boulding (Part 2 of Man's March to 'The Summit', August 1955, PRB Population Bulletin) *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* June 16, 1997 Why is Ireland the richest country in the world? Because its capital is always Dublin. Why doesn't anybody every starve in the desert? Because of all the sand-which-is there. *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* July 22, 1997 NEW AGE DAILY AFFIRMATIONS: - As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner Psychopath. - I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia. - I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. - I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed. - In some cultures, what I do would be considered normal. - Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others. - I can change any thought that hurts into a reality that hurts even more. - I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all. - I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as those self-righteous people around me. - I need not suffer in silence. I can still moan, whimper, and complain. - As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet. - The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things. - As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun. - All of me is beautiful and valuable, especially the ugly, stupid, and disgusting parts. - I am at one with my duality. - Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. - I will refrain from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears. My imagination is too weak for that anyway. - I will honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws. - Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, For there are no sweeter words than "I told you so." - False hope is nicer than no hope at all. - I can't hope to solve all my problems, But I can hope to find a scapegoat for every single one of them. - Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. I will move my TV into the bedroom. - Who can I blame for my problems? We all need friends. - Why should I waste my time reliving the past, when I can spend it worrying about the future? - The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the Conspiracy exists and is working. - I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage. - Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step: persuading myself that they're virtues. - To understand all is to fear all. - I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at. - The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend I am not home. - To have a successful relationship I must learn To make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting. - I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* August 26, 1997 Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. A day without sun shine is night. Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Change is not inevitable. Think of vending machines. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges. Honk if you love peace and quiet. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* October 23, 1997 A scientist based at Des Plaines Is searching with infinite pains For a new type of sound Which he hopes, when it's found, Will travel much faster than planes. *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* December 15, 1997 A POEM FOR FINALS 'Twas the night before finals, And all through the college, The students were praying For last minute knowledge. Most were quite sleepy; None touched their beds, While visions of essays Danced in their heads. Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor Would free up their thinking. In my own messy room, My feet had been pacing. I dreaded exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, Her nose in her books, And my comments to her Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring my nerves were all shot. I stared at my notes, My thoughts gone all muddy, My eyes went ablur, I just couldn't study. "Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver. I'd nearly concluded That life was too cruel, With futures depending On grades had in school. When all of a sudden, our door opened wide, And Jolly Saint PutItOff Ambled inside. His spirit was careless, His manner was mellow, All of a sudden, He started to bellow. "ON Cliff notes, on Crib Notes On Last-Years' Exams. On Wingit and Slingit And Last Minute Crams." His message delivered he vanished from sight. But we heard him laughing Outside in the night. ``Your teachers have pegged you So just do your best. Happy Finals to All, And to all a Good Test!'' ---by Kristin Gillenwater, revised. *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* January 19, 1998 Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns for lunch? (Answer weakly encoded below.) cccccBecauseaatheycctasteaafunnyeecccc. *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* March 22, 1998 (1) A neutron walked up to the bar and asked the bartender, "How much is a beer?" The bartender looked at him carefully, sizing him up, and said, "For you, no charge." (2) One electron bumped into another one while in an excited state. "Oh, my goodness, I'm really sorry'' he said, after helping to pick up his injured friend. ``Are you okay?" "I think I've lost an electron," said the other. "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!" *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* April 11, 1998 Some Prayers Lord, help me to relax about insignificant details, starting right now as I finish praying at 7:47 p.m. O God, help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them *are* hypersensitive. God, please help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're not my fault. God, help me to try not to run everything. And also I pray that my pastor will take my advice more in the future. Lord, help me to be more laid back, and help me to do it EXACTLY right, and be perfect as You command us to be perfect on pain of eternal damnation. God help me to take things more seriously, especially laughter, parties, and dancing. God give me patience-- I need it right now! Lord help me not be a perfectionisst. (Did I spell that correctly?) God, help me to finish everything I start and ... God, help me to keep my mind on one th--- Oh, I'm such a sinner! ---thing at a time. God, help me to do what I can and trust you for the rest. And can You please give me a special sign that You will answer my prayer? Lord keep me open to others' ideas, wrong though they are. Lord help me be less self-centered. I need that. It's important to me. I really am very bad about it , and I always have been-- that's just the way I am, and I know I should change my ways, even though I don't, but I will try. Really, I will. You can trust me. Lord, help me slow down andnotrushthroughwhatIdo. Amen *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@* June 19, 1998 Rene Descartes was on an airplane, trying to figure out a mathematical proof. The stewardess asked him: "Would you like coffee or tea, sir?" "Coffee, please." he replied. "Would you like milk with your coffee?" she asked. "I think not." he replied--and disappeared. (From Os Guinness, "The Devil's Gauntlet: The Church and the Challenge of Society" (Illinois: Intervarsity Press, 1989), 4) *@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*